by "Rose"
Editor's
Note: We asked the contributor of this
article to remain anonymous for her own protection. We have given her
the pen name Rose. We chose this name because she is kind and thoughtful,
bright and sensitive - as beautiful as a rose. For a period of time,
she did not know those positive things about herself. Now she is learning.
We are with you, Rose of roses. May you continue to grow.
From Rose:
"I wanted to write my story because it kills me to know that young
girls and women do this (willingly) to themselves. I know I can't save
everyone, but if I can help even ONE person, this will not have been
in vain! Please, I urge you, if you know someone who is going through
this or showing some signs, don't wait! If you do, it could be to late!
"
The
Onset of the Disease of Anorexia
The year was 1994 and I was
a freshman in High School. My older brother, Joe was a Senior and terribly
popular. Though I was never "popular," with the cliques, I
had many friends and knew a lot of people.
That year I ran cross country
for the school. To be honest, I hated it, but it was my ticket out of
class for meets. I was 5'8, 140 of pure muscle.
One day, I was walking to my
locker and saw "him." "He" was Dave. Dave was a
junior on the varsity football team. He was terribly popular and devilishly
handsome. By chance, our lockers were near each other. I told my friend
about him and as it turned out, she had gone to elementary school with
him! They were friends! Things could not have been better! The next
day, she introduced him to me. It was butterflies in the stomach for
days after that! Since I was running, I knew the importance of eating
and continuing to take care of myself. I did it, but it was terribly
difficult!
About after a week, Dave came
to me and asked for my phone number. I, of course, was nothing short
of having a heart attack and just sheer excited! This was the last week
before school got out for Easter vacation. I didn't expect a call, but
I gave it to him anyway. The Tuesday after we got out, I got a call
and it was from him! If I had been any more excited, I think my heart
would have beat right out of my chest! We ended up talking every day
of the week. When I got back to school, I wrote him a note and told
him that I thought he was very cool. I told him I was developing feelings
for him, but if he wanted only to be friends, I was definitely fine
with that!
My friend gave him the note,
with very strict instructions not to read it with his friends around.
The only problem was that when she gave it to him, all his friends were
around! I hid behind a tree and watched him. Slowly, one by one, his
friends came over to him. Before I knew it, the whole varsity football
team knew that the unpopular, awkward looking freshman girl had a crush
on him! I was devastated!
I couldn't eat for days after
that! I was so worried about what the outcome would be like! I was still
going to school, which meant I was still running. The only thing is
that I was literally the old cliché of "running on empty."
I'd fill myself up on water and every once in a while a saltine cracker
or two. Because of this, I was walking into things. My energy was just
above the "nothing" level! I would have to cover up the bruises
that I was getting. Finally, one day I was walking through the halls.
I saw the school nurse. She stopped to ask why I looked so terrible.
(She and my mom were friends, so she knew I didn't usually look so pale.)
I made some excuse up of how I'd "fallen." Thank God she didn't
buy it!
Later that day, I was called
into her office. She sat me down and asked what was going on. I didn't
tell her right away, but she was an incredible woman who had a huge
amount of patience. She said she was not going to let me leave until
I told her the truth. I told her about Dave. She responded by saying
I had to know the truth from his end. I told her there was no way I
could ask him, especially since he read the note in front of his friends!
She said that didn't matter. She assured me that she would be in the
room, acting as a mediator, but more as a support. I agreed. She sent
me on my way.
About two days later, she called
me back into her office. Dave was sitting in the main part of her office,
waiting for me. She was very sorry, but since it was rainy season, she
was terribly busy with "sickies" and could not go in with
me! She gave me a huge hug and told me I was doing this for myself...
I walked in and right away felt
the tension. Once again, I was afraid my heart would beat right out
of my chest. My hands were drenched with sweat. We did the small talk
("Hi, How are you") and then got right down to business. He
said he had read the note which was very nice of me and he wanted to
talk to me about it. He said that it was flattering the way I felt about
him, but he didn't feel the same way. (I was expecting that.) I asked
if we could still be friends. He took a while to respond. Finally, I
said "O.K., let me rephrase that. If I was a Junior or Senior,
Varsity cheerleading squad, drop- dead gorgeous and stick- thin, then
would you go for me?!" He looked at me without thinking about it
and said "Well, you wouldn't have to be drop- dead gorgeous and
stick thin, but it'd definitely help, because everyone around here knows
you're not!"
Anorexia
Sets In
To say I was crushed would be
to say that there's no pasta in Italy! I kept hearing those cold, callous
words repeating over and over in my head. I got to thinking
"if I'm not good enough for Dave, I'm obviously not good enough
for anyone!"
Keep in mind, I was awkward looking, but when you
have a tall, skinny, muscular kid, you will get awkward! (It wasn't
until much later that I found out that he had wanted to use our 'friendship'
only to become friends with Joe!) It was then that I decided I needed
to lose 'weight'- not for me, but for Dave. I'd come home from school
and lock myself up in my room. I'd tell my parents that I had a big
lunch, so I wasn't hungry for dinner. I just so happened to have a lot
of homework that night. I 'wasn't hungry' right at dinner time, but
I'd eat later. I was blessed to have a father who genuinely cares. He
never came right out and asked what was up, but he put me on a diet
of Ensure.
I knew, deep down what I was
doing. I knew I had a problem. At the time, however, I knew nothing
about the disease of Anorexia. Thinking it was a part of me was definitely
the last thing on my mind! I suppose if you were to ask any professional,
they'd tell you I wasn't anorexic, but "Borderline Anorexic."
Whatever you call it, I can tell you it's an evil, dark, terribly vicious
disease. Since I was still running, I did damage that I wouldn't know
about until two years later, when I was 16. I had been experiencing
knee problems that could be, if possible, comparable to child birth!
I have what is called Patello- Femoral Syndrome. This is not exactly,
but very closely related to Arthritis. There is no cure.
I can't tell you what it's like
to be so unconfident with yourself that you will allow others to dictate
how you're going to live your life. My hair started to become very brittle
and thin. I was often dizzy and weak. I was walking into things, but
I just dismissed that as my usual klutziness. I was very much in denial
and depressed. All these are very common traits of Anorexia.
I read somewhere that Bulimics
tend to lose more weight quicker than Anorexics. I decided to give it
a try. I can definitely tell you it's true! As a result of this, I ended
up having damage to my teeth from the purging.
Recovery
from Anorexia
As silly as it to think it,
I have Karen Carpenter to thank for my decision to stop the madness.
Yes, counseling did help, but if it wasn't for me listening to the radio
and having "Hurting Each Other" come on, l can honestly say
that l think I'd be dead right now! l remember sitting in my room and
tears were streaming down my face while I was listening to the lyrics.
I was telling myself "YOU FOOL!!! She had everything- fame, beauty,
fortune and still she was unhappy! YOU have your life ahead of you!
You can't go throwing it away over some stupid boy!" I told my
parents that I wanted to go to counseling (I've still never been able
to tell them the reason why I went.) And they agreed.
I was lucky to have wonderful
teachers who cared. I remember my art teacher sat me down and told me
to cry. She would bring food to class to make sure I would eat. She
was not only a fabulous cook, but she was also Italian. Between her
and my friend, Virginia, I started to very slowly see the importance
and appreciation for food.
I can remember the first time
I tried real, solid foods for the very first time since being plagued.
I was very scared. I had knots in my stomach which felt as though they'd
be there forever. When I first approached my art teacher, she told me
she was so happy and proud of me for coming to her. She gave me the
typical "that's the first step in healing a problem- admitting
you have one." The next thing she did was tell me "You know,
if you want to get better, you do have to start eating again because
you're doing such damage by running with nothing in you!" The next
day, she brought me some spaghetti and meatballs. She knew I was nervous,
but forever will I be grateful to her. She was so patient, gentle and
understanding. She was very compassionate and didn't make me feel as
though any of what I was going through was my fault. (Though it had
been!) She told me that I could take 'baby steps' so to speak as far
as starting to eat again. That day I had a portion that you would give
to a teething baby. It was very modest and small, but she was so proud
of me! I felt silly at first. I mean, here I was, 14 years old, eating
barely anything, and yet I was so proud of myself! I didn't think about
rushing out the door to the bathroom. All I remember is feeling an indescribable
joy rush through my body! At that point, I knew it'd take a while to
get fully 'into' food again, but I was going to do it and I was going
to be O.K!
I slowly began to realize that
I had been terribly blessed. I had always gotten the old 'you should
be grateful for what you have because there are plenty of kids out there
who have no food.' I believe that it takes a huge trauma to realize
that! I started to take the time to really let my sense of smell and
taste come into play. I'd volunteer to make dinner so I could really
appreciate these. I remember one day when I was making dinner. My emotions
really got the best of me. I started to cry uncontrollably. It was then
that I knew if it had not been for me coming to my senses and having
such wonderful, caring women at the school, it was very likely that
I wouldn't have been there. Instead, I'd have been underground, six
feet with a huge mound of dirt over me! This was a very real moment
for me! When I thought of how the thought of food had repulsed me so,
I couldn't help but think of how much of a 'ninny' I was!
I still occasionally struggle
with it. I've come to realize that it's mind over matter. I also have
to remind myself that after one child and getting older, I don't have
the same body as I did when I was in High School! It's something that,
I've been told, I'll have to deal with all my life. The only thing now,
is that I really do have something to live for, and I am NOT going to
make that the reason my daughter becomes an orphan!
It wasn't until my Senior year
that I really began to find the joy, importance and happiness that comes
from cooking and food in general. I fell in love with cooking in a Home
Ec. class and have been stuck with it ever since. It's kind of ironic
how someone who had such a distorted body image can't live without food!
I love to cook- Italian and Mexican are my favorites and I can only
pray that it'll be like that when I'm 90 and barely have any teeth left!
This might seem strange, but in a way, I'm so grateful that I was put
in that situation. I now know the signs. I know the lies that were given
and the excuses to get out of it. I will NEVER allow my daughter to
go through the self-imposed hell that I went through!
©
